I’ve always been tough on myself. It’s a part of myself that I’m improving a day at a time by using the OA programme and tools. But, first things first, I want to describe some trouble I had over the festive season, and then delve into the awesome OA solution that arose as a result.

I had an operation before the festive season that put me on my back for close on two months. The operation was successful but they had to put in a stent to assist with the healing. The stent caused me discomfort and pain if I tried to do too much. Now, being a doer, you can imagine this was a nightmare. I got trapped in a self-pity bubble and started wondering if I would ever get better. I lost sight of the trust I have in my Higher Power and began to try and force the healing process. I slipped into old behaviour patterns, I set unrealistic goals and then berated myself when I didn’t achieve them. As a consequence, my abstinence began to slip. Red foods (trigger foods) began to creep back in, I took hold of my will again, and as a result, I lost my abstinence and binged. 

When this happened, I was so shocked and upset. How could this have happened? I didn’t change anything – I still went to meetings, I still did service, I still sent food plans daily. These were justifications I told myself. But after an honest stock take, I could see that I hadn’t been fuelling the emotional and spiritual side of my recovery. I had taken back my will. I had stopped doing reach outs, paused on stepwork and I was listening to my old excuses. I was also being dishonest about elements of my programme. 

After a few honest conversations with my sponsor, we formed an action plan to help me get abstinent again. I upped my meetings, call her daily (sometimes more), I’ve spoken to a dietician to help me with portion sizes and my food plan. I was honest with the specialist in the process, giving her my red food list so she knows what to avoid. I’m trying out several new things to help me with anxiety and other emotional aspects of my life. 

I’ve heard it being said that “getting abstinent is harder than staying abstinent”. I can wholeheartedly vouch for this. But, I can also say that if I hadn’t slipped, I wouldn’t be trying these new things to improve my recovery. I’m now doing daily stepwork, four to five meetings a week (instead of two), calling my sponsor, and seeing someone about my anxiety. Instead of hopping straight onto my phone in the morning and jumping into work first thing, I start the day off more gently. I begin with a cup of tea and I journal about gratitude, my fears, my action plan, and the things I need to turn over. I’ve come to realise that I’m grateful for the setback as it’s helped me to see what I needed to change and how easily I can fall back into negative thinking. It’s helped me to identify more red flags, self-pity being the biggy!

At the same time, I can see that my setbacks don’t make me a failure. I made a mistake, I’m not the mistake. I can learn and carry on putting one foot in front of the other. I can love the weaknesses that make me human. I can embrace humility. I can also express gratitude for the fellowship and programme that are always there for me and that help me to get back up on my feet. I now have 11 days of clean abstinence and I will keep taking it one day at a time. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow but I do know that only good things happen when I keep coming back. This programme is teaching me to love myself through the hard times and to remember that I am worth healing. 

– Anonymous