I think it’s important to state from the outset that my HP was never lost. S/he was always right there next to me waiting for me to get out of my own head and look to the side. So, I guess this is a story of how I was forced into a situation where I had to get out of my own head and find my personal HP.

When I came into programme, over five years ago, I most certainly did not come looking for ‘God’. I came looking for the ‘thin’ me that I had been pursuing for most of my life. In the first six months, I didn’t find my ‘thin’, but I did begin to get a glimpse of a Power Greater than Myself that could help me to put down food that was toxic for me.

My search for my HP was initiated by desperation. I was desperate to not end up in a binge again. My sponsor at the time suggested that I ask a Higher Power to help me when I wanted to eat something that was not on my meal plan.

It sounded pretty kooky but when I was next struck by an uncontrollable craving for a trigger food, I turned to this HP and said (with much cockiness I might add), ‘God, if you leave it up to me, I’m going to eat this particular food now, so if I’m not meant to eat, please do something to stop me. I’m leaving it up to you God’. And then lo and behold, the heavens did not open and a booming voice did not shout down to me ‘DO NOT EAT THAT FOOD’, but my attention was distracted and before I knew it, I had forgotten to want that foodstuff. Now, I thought that was pretty cool…subtle….but effective. So, the next time I wanted to eat food that wasn’t mine, I tried my cocky little prayer again, and again, my attention was somehow distracted and the craving left me.

And I came to believe. I gingerly poked first one toe, then all ten toes, then my whole foot, and finally, my whole body out of my unwell head and I became aware of this amazing Higher Power that has been there all the time.

This Higher Power belonged to just me. This Higher Power had time to worry about my food amongst many other things. This Higher Power was always available whenever I cared to tune in.

These days, my connection with my HP is wholly dependent on whether I choose to ask God for help when faced with a difficult situation, or whether I stop to thank my God for blessings in my life, or when I remember to pause before I speak, or when I remember that my meal plan belongs to God and it is not for me to change it at will.

It truly is a ‘daily practice’ though, as the Big Book says, because my default is to make myself my own Higher Power, or make another human being my HP, or make a food item my HP. I practise, on an hourly basis, looking for ‘God Solutions’ in everything I do. And how do I know it’s a ‘God Solution’ versus a ‘Rachel Solution’? Well…its usually kinder and calmer and brings me closer to others rather than creating distance. ‘God Solutions’ flow with ease, Rachel solutions feel hard and uncomfortable and prickly and they do not flow.

For today, I am grateful to have found my God and I pray that I never lose God for too long.

– Rachel F