I’m a kind of lazy perfectionist; I have all these ideals, but I lack the discipline and follow-through in order to reach them. This normally leaves me in a state of constant low-grade disappointment in myself.

I really struggle with accepting myself, warts and all. I only feel ok when things are exceptionally great, but when the cracks start showing, I get uneasy. So, when I make mistakes and screw-ups, I get convinced that it’s all a big mistake and I got it wrong. Then, my ego gets involved and I forget about the times where I have gotten it right and I quickly spiral into darkness.

I’ve come to realise on my journey so far that recovery is not a straight line, especially in terms of eating disorders. Yes, the food can be up and down, but there is far more stickiness around my relationships, thought patterns, spiritual fitness, and general resentments and fear. I lose my balance so quickly and lack the acceptance that I need in order to feel ok.

I’m reminded that everything is exactly the way it should be in God’s world. He is either everything or nothing. I have to choose between a life based on spiritual principles or a slow and painful death. What is my choice to be? Perhaps it’s a question of perspective… 

Is it a mistake for me to have an eating disorder, or is it a gift that keeps inviting me to work towards a spiritual awakening? Is it a mistake that my relationships go pear-shaped, or is it a reminder to keep taking my own inventory and keep my side of the street swept? Is it a mistake that I keep getting it wrong with the food or does it cultivate a deeper compassion for those still suffering? 

Perhaps my mistakes can become part of my message if I can allow myself to see them through a new pair of glasses. 

May I have enough self-love today to pick up the glasses and look at myself differently – especially when I need it most.

– Saskia